“If you can recognize and accept your pain without running away from it, you will discover that although pain is there, joy can also be there at the same time.” Thich Nhat Hanh, No Mud, No Lotus
“Grief is the price we pay for love.”
Queen Elizabeth II
(21 April 1926 – 8 September 2022)
“Even when all the experts agree, they may well be mistaken.” ~ Bertrand Russell
“In preparing for battle, I have always found that plans are useless,
but planning is indispensable.” ~ Dwight Eisenhower
“The reverse of truth has a thousand shapes
and a boundless field.” ~ Michel de Montaigne
“Do I contradict myself?
Very well then, I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)”
~ Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass
“Whoever is winning at the moment
will always seem to be invincible.” ~ George Orwell
“Family values don’t stop at the Rio Grande.” ~ George W. Bush
“Sometimes you need to get knocked down before you can
really figure out what your fight is.” ~ Chadwick Boseman
What do all these quotes have in common? They are blending opposing beliefs into a non-dualistic framework, which is, for most people, is not easy to hold in the mind without some cognitive dissonance.
One of the reasons I love to teach Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills (DBT) is to help people move from binary to non-binary thinking. In this way, DBT serves to help people live with massive emotional and cognitive dissonance and yet not have an emotional meltdown (or use self-harm to distract or medicate from the pain of holding the contrasting beliefs).
For example, when you get into the DBT flow of consciousness, you realize that you can both love and hate someone. You realize that on some level, you are amazing, perfect and rocking “as is,” yet you can improve. Yes, you are good enough, yet you can improve! You realize that you are sometimes brilliant, and sometimes really foolish, but still lovable, no matter what. You embrace the FACT that you inevitably will make mistakes, but you are NOT a mistake. You are still awesome, lovable and worthy, no matter what cocka-locka-cuckoo stunt you got into, either consciously or unconsciously. You come to accept that “There is no shame in my game!”
So dialectical thinking helps you get out of the black and white mental trap, the “All or Nothing,” Right or Wrong, Worthy or Unworthy, Perfect or Imperfect name game. Practicing dialectical skills helps relieve so much of your negative inner dialogue, which can potentially lead you down a slippery slope, perhaps causing a spiral into a depression and even self-harming thoughts.
Over time, DBT gently muzzles the harsh inner Critic and lets you move forward with plans to grow, learn, change and improve yourself, your relationships and your life.
DBT makes it so much easier to “Disable the Label” of your diagnosis, gender challenge, financial issue, body image or weight issue and more. For years, I have said that I believe DBT skills will someday soon be taught to everyone by the 3rd grade level…Now Lady Gaga, superstar and mental health advocate, has started a foundation, MENTAL HEALTH FIRST AID to bring DBT Skills Training into all the public schools in the USA. Why? Because after years of suffering, once she learned DBT Skills, she had a dramatic recovery from her mental health issues, and now she is making this possible for everyone.
It is essential that we all move out of this painful and extremely unproductive dualistic perfectionist damnation of ourselves and others! Enough is enough, right? The exquisite radical acceptance that comes from dialectical thinking starts within, and then permeates into our relationships, politics and the world at large.
Yes, it is possible to temporarily hate ourselves for a few minutes for being a bit unconscious or even whacko in the moment, and then with the help of improved self-talk, gently shift back to a more bearable level of acceptance, possibly reach a more comfortable forgiveness level and then back to a more loving baseline. With training, this could be reduced from days/weeks of self-hate to a few minutes…that’s a big win in my practice!
This DBT process uses evidence-based skills culled from the vast Mindfulness research, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Distress Tolerance and Emotion Regulation fields. These skills help people move from being in the extreme of “Emotion Mind” or “Rational Mind” into their “Wise Mind” and function better on every level.
Here are some of the common myths that we deconstruct in our DBT groups:
“Dialectics reminds us of the many paradoxes that are built into our Universe:
- The universe is filled with opposing sides/opposing forces. There is always more than one way to see a situation, and more than one way to solve a problem. Yet two things that seem like opposites can both be true.
- Everything and every person is connected in some way, in the way that the waves and the ocean are one. It is also believed that the slightest move of the butterfly affects the furthest star.
- Change is the only constant. Meaning and truth evolve over time. Each moment is new; reality itself changes with each moment.
- Change is transactional. What we do influences our environment and other people in it. The environment and other people influence us.” (Linehan, 2015)
For today, I challenge you to start letting go of your dualistic mind traps, end all “Compare and Despair” drama and gently start to shift into a more compassionate, empathetic and dialectical mindset that will allow yourself and others to be good enough around you, as is, while you are all improving. Here’s the emotional math: less judging, more inner peace. Simple, but not easy!
Onward and Upward🌀
Lisa Wessan
Reference:
Linehan, M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets. Second edition. New York: Guildford Press. Page 150.
Copyright © by Lisa Wessan 2022. All rights reserved.
www.LisaWessan.com
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