Over the years I have been trained up to always see the pros and cons of each challenge. Not to be in denial of the pain, trauma and suffering — but to see the possibility of hidden value in the challenges. “What if everything that is happening to you is happening for you?” asked Colin Tipping years ago in a lecture in New York. That thought percolated through me for years before I could finally understand what it truly meant, and the freedom and peace of mind that comes from living with this deep level of acceptance.
What are the pros and cons of this Covid-19 challenge we now face? Here are some resources which have helped me sort this out and remain more peaceful and relaxed during this difficult time.
To be transparent as ever, I am feeling the full dialectical nature of this moment: sometimes I feel a deep peace and stillness within, and at the same time I feel the edge of a panic attack creeping up on me. The difference between now and 30 years ago, however, is that I have learned to observe my inner world so much better…so when I sense that edge, I use some breathwork, distress tolerance skills and physical release to shift out of it. (More on those skills in the next Coronavirus post).
Over the next few days, I’m going to unpack some useful tips for coping with this extra level of anxiety we all share from the pandemic. As always, I have been sorting and cycling through my personal tool kit, plus I have found some new and impactful ideas that I will share here too. The best of the best for you, my dear reader…as we trudge this road through the forced Retreat to wellness and bliss.
First, listening to Jack Kornfield and Tim Ferriss discuss ways to re-frame and re-focus during this difficult time gave me more insight and some good practical advice. Kornfield’s 75 years on this Earth have been well spent. As a brief overview, he was a Buddhist Monk in Thailand, then served as co-founder of the Insight Meditation Center in Barre, MA, then became a psychologist. Now he is involved in many educational and activist programs to help bring mindfulness and other useful transformative skills to the public.
Tim Ferriss is one of my favorite teachers. First, I love Ferriss’ passion for extreme wellness. I love his awesome lifestyle hacks and his never ending curiosity about world class performers and the minutia of their morning routines, what they eat for breakfast, favorite books, how they sleep and more. He also has an impressive history of brilliant investing, living with bipolar illness and managing well. Yes, I’m a fan of Ferriss!
You can access this podcast wherever you listen to your podcasts: Listen to #414: Jack Kornfield — How to Find Peace Amidst COVID-19, How to Cultivate Calm in Chaos from The Tim Ferriss Show in Podcasts.
For your consideration, here is my brief summary of this podcast. During this two hour, wide ranging conversation, you will learn:
During the first hour, “It’s not about perfecting yourself, it’s about perfecting your Love.” Learning to live in this world with more love, embracing the inner and outer imperfections with radical acceptance is one path to more inner peace and joy here. Kornfield delves into some wonderful coping and practice skills to help move through the anxiety and depression of these pandemic days.
From 1:07 there is a discussion of psychedelic research aka Sacred Medicines, for the treatment of drug resistant depression and anxiety. Kornfield discusses the mysteries of our multi-dimensional selves. “We are learning to use sacred medicines to know who we are.” Apparently, this paradigm shifting research helps us form more positive and useful world views. Ferriss cites exciting and impressive research coming out of Johns Hopkins Medical School which has gotten robust results. After listening to this segment, I made a note to read The Cosmic Game, by psychiatrist Stanislav Grof, which describes the wisdom and understanding that hundreds of trials of Sacred Medicines have offered seekers in laboratory conditions, to help better understand the nature of consciousness Itself. (As it happens, Harvard Medical School is hosting a large conference here in Boston May 1-2, 2020, on Meditation and Psychotherapy: Learning from Non-Ordinary States).
From 1:23 Kornfield deconstructs suicide and suicidal patterns and how to reduce treatment resistant depression. I was intrigued with this curious idea, how we long for “sleep,” and how for some suicide is the big sleep that they think will solve their painful life for good. Suicidal people have worthy intentions, not the best solutions…Kornfield’s approach to suicide is practical and soothing.
From 1:32 Kornfield explains his trauma work, and how to be in the field of compassion which allows us to process the trauma successfully. “To witness with a loving gaze, it’s not who you are, it’s something that you went through.” This reminds me of the teaching that “We make mistakes, but we are not a mistake.” Again, learning to pause, observe, step back and see the pain as something that we passed through is very different then feeling a permanent imprint from it, rendering us emotionally compromised, with anxiety, depression, PTSD and other conditions.
I hope you enjoy listening to this podcast as much as I did. It really gave me a booster during these troubled times. There is hope! There is a solution…
Stay tuned for my next Coronavirus Retreat Tip…may these tips serve you well!
This visit to the 9/11 Memorial required some serious planning, you cannot just walk in and expect to get in. Since a few of you expressed interest in my visit last year, I’m sharing my notes for all to see, so my good research is not wasted!
1. Definitely book tix ahead online – then you will have no wait to get in.
2. We loved the 9/11 Memorial app, very useful inside the museum. Robert DeNiro narrates it! He was excellent. It’s free, and big MB, so download it before you go(took about 15 Minutes to download on my phone). Don’t waste time downloading it at the museum.
3. We did the tour for outdoors, the Memorial aka The Void (their term). Our guide was terrific, learned a lot about those pools and the surrounding area. Lots of secret codes, roses, things happening that are curious. The guide breaks it down nicely. Suggestion: take the outdoor tour early in day before you enter museum. Once you go in, you cannot exit and return. (Too bad about that, we would like to have taken a break and returned later. )
4. Films: they show THE FIRST PITCH film only once a day at noon. Make sure you arrive in time to get in there, it was fascinating…we watched all three special films in main auditorium from 12-1:15.
5. Don’t miss the REBIRTHING film, it plays all day in a different theater.
6. The museum café was pricey and not up to par IMHO. I was sorry I didn’t pack lunch. So definitely bring lunch, snacks, whatever you need for a 4-6 hour day.
7. And finally, it was NOT as emotional as I thought it would be – the upliftment comes from seeing ALL THE GOOD that people did to help each other…I was touched, moved and inspired by our species💙.The exquisite levels of giving and sacrifice were ASTOUNDING! I learned so much, even though I was living and working in NYC when this happened.
8. Transportation: There is super easy access from the 4/5 Express train to Fulton St, grateful for the NYC SUBWAYS! They are awesome! (most of the subways take you down to that area)
9. After another marathon of walking, we went up to Chinatown for soothing foot massage. I have a great place at 107 Mott Street, clean, great value and they are awesome. You can just walk in, no reservation needed.
10. Lunch or Dinner suggestion: Right near the foot massage place, we had a delicious dinner at Little Shanghai, 144 Mulberry St. Yum. No reservations.
The trauma of 9/11 still cannot be grasped – I realized after the 5 hours that it is just impossible to imagine what it’s like to run from an exploding building while chunks of furniture, restaurant trays, other debris and parts of airplane are falling out of the sky on your way… this horror was just off the charts.
Yet there was SO MUCH BEAUTY in the recovery and “rebirth” process…which adds to the mystery of the need for contrast, paradox and tension in this Universe.
In sum, I loved the 9/11 Memorial. It is deeply dialectical, moving and ultimately inspiring. Highly recommend!
Listen to Keeping Secrets from TED Radio Hour in Podcasts. This is an engaging talk about secrets, how we keep them and use them. It asks us, “How many closets we are in?” Oh what a good question! Yes, coming out the closet is not just for the LGBTQ community, many more closets exist and there is a new freedom and happiness in getting out of our closets! A worthy task…
Edith Eva Eger, PhD, at 90 years of age just published her book, The Choice.This is an incredible story of how Edith and her sister Magda survived Auschwitz. It took 45 years of therapy for her to start talking about her experience. She was recently on Super Soul Sunday with Oprah (Season 9, Episode 5. This should still be on your TV “On Demand.” Also available in podcast). Edith shared so much wisdom, insight and stories of nearly impossible resilience. So many pearls! I love her deep levels of compassion and wisdom concerning recovery from trauma, which applies to all of us. This was one of the best interviews I’ve ever seen on moving from trauma to transformation.
II. Accolades, Awards and Articles – Wessan in the News… March – June 2019
III. Upcoming Summer and Fall Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Group (DBT) in Westford, MA
New Adult (18+) and Teen groups (14-17) starting July 17, 2019 and in the fall. Click HEREto learn more.
DBT MasterMind Groupstarting in August 2019, for advanced students and graduates of the one year program.
IV. Quotes I am pondering…
“The first Truth, probably, is that we are all connected, watching one another, even the trees.” Arthur Miller, Playwright, 1915-2005 (as heard on the HBO documentary, “Arthur Miller: Writer” 2018).
“God loves things by becoming them.” ~ Richard Rohr, Franciscan Monk, Author, Teacher.
For some people, the holidays are a very joyful and exciting time of year. More parties, celebrations, shopping and gift exchanges coupled with lots of social stimulation. It’s all good…for them.
But for others, who feel painful pressure to have “forced fun” and may not have strong intimate connections, lack financial resources, struggle with illness or addiction, these times are fraught with deep loneliness and uncomfortable feelings of “Compare and Despair” (Wessan, 2011). For this group, we are entering “The Red Zone.”
The Red Zone runs through Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve…and perhaps for many Valentine’s Day is also included in this over stimulating, emotionally charged, addiction riddled time of year.
When I was younger, single and living alone in New York City, I experienced the holidays as my Red Zone. I loved my circle of friends, but many of them were married or had moved far away. They were not available for the holidays. I found my loneliness was most acute during this time of year.
As part of my coping with loneliness, for many years I went away for New Year’s weekend to Pumpkin Hollow Retreat Center, in Craryville, NY. Pumpkin Hollow is a beautiful place, with magical trails on lush Berkshire hills and a thoughtful and sensitive staff. They used to facilitate a wonderful Silent Retreat over New Year’s weekend (I noticed now they have one in late January and May).
There were moonlit walks in the woods, we ate delicious gourmet organic vegetarian meals , danced around a huge campfire, hugged trees and meditated together in the silence. The facilitators artfully helped us work through all the activities in silence, and I remember every year being amazed at how little language I really needed to get by and still feel peaceful and content.
For me, it was a relaxing and restorative weekend in the Berkshires, but I also I had to process some difficult feelings.
Forgiveness 101
Being in the Silence can be a powerful cleanse, as so many distractions are removed. The Silence gives us time to deeply work through some acceptance and forgiveness issues, serving as a “Mental Laxative,” as Iyanla Vanzant is known to say (Vanzant, 2013). This is a perfect time to take a moral inventory of ourselves, and notice where we need to improve.
Moral inventories vary, but at their core, we make a list of the people we have harmed, consciously or unconsciously. Then we make a list of the ways we hurt ourselves, consciously or unconsciously. Finally, we make a list of our fears and regrets. (The only way to do a moral inventory wrong is to not do it at all.)
All of this then requires a deep and thorough forgiveness practice, ultimately letting go of all of it. Then it is done. We have a fresh start.
You can use this Forgiveness Prayer to help you get started. Practice Suggestion: Read it into your Smart Phone’s Voice Memo app (or tape recorder) very slowly. Pause 5-10 seconds between each line. Save it, and then play it back to yourself with your eyes closed, allowing yourself to feel it deeply. As faces and names to forgive bubble up in your consciousness, you can make a note of them to add to your lists.
For all those we have harmed, knowingly or unknowingly, we are truly sorry. Forgive us and set us free. For all those who have harmed us, knowingly or unknowingly, we forgive them and we set them free. And for the harm we have done to ourselves, knowingly or unknowingly, we are truly sorry. We forgive ourselves and we set ourselves free. ~ Author Unknown ~
Afterwards, we may also need to talk to a few people and apologize for our behavior (or in some cases neglect). Hard Fact: In order to really feel healthy, whole, clean and strong inside, it is essential to give our inner emotional pipes a good Roto-Rooter cleaning by resolving any awkward or tender hurts. Apologies and amends need to be in the process. Fun Fact: Asking for forgiveness is the final piece in our quest for inner calm, or should I say, the Final Peace?!!
But you don’t have to go away for a whole weekend to give yourself an effective Mental Laxative…you can carve out some time each day, or each week, to sit quietly and review your life to forgive the imperfect moments. What worked well? What did not go so well? Whom did you judge too harshly? Even taking a brief inventory of your emotional interior will have huge pay offs in the long run.
One more Mental Laxative Practice Suggestion: set a timer for 10 minutes. Do as much of your list making as you can in that time, and then stop. It will be enough. Do this on a weekly basis, or more frequently if you are ready. Ten minutes of taking a Mental Laxative twice a week is a great beginning, perhaps once over the weekend and once during the week? Do what feels right for you.
As you progress, this could ideally become a daily activity…and who would you be if you had no resentments, anger, unresolved grief and rage? You would bloom on in a whole new way.
In addition, I believe that holding onto negative thoughts and unresolved anger, resentment, fear and grief will fester within, and eventually manifest into some kind of physical illness and/or mood disorder. We need to keep all of our pipes clean! Digestive pipes and emotional pipes, which actually work together in the big picture.
As the hallowed halls of the Mindfulness research and Functional Medicine have taught us, every thought becomes a chemical reaction in our bodies. Please note, the Mind-Body connection is not philosophical, theoretical or conjectured. It is grounded in science (Turner, 2014).
We need to be aware of this and carve out the time to release and let go of our negative and stinking thinking. If we don’t, it will just putrefy within, and poison our relationships as well.
What is Reflective Listening?
Being heard is so close to being loved, that for the average person they are almost indistinguishable. – David Augsburger
Another worthwhile activity to do if you find yourself being in the Red Zone now is to volunteer your time, talent and special treasure in places that will appreciate you.
Before I became a therapist, I used to volunteer at a Suicide Hotline called HELPLINE, at the Marble Collegiate Church in New York, which for me, was an exhilarating service. It was founded by the late, great Reverend Norman Vincent Peale, may he rest in peace. (There is also an excellent Blanton-Peale counseling center located at Marble, with wonderful psychospiritual therapists on staff, see reference below).
Most Hotlines have a fascinating and useful training program which enhances all human relationships. I first learned the power of Reflective Listening in my 10-week HELPLINE training, and it transformed my life.
Reflective Listening is being able to let someone else talk and just be present for them, listening quietly. When they pause, then you reflect back the essence of what they have just said. This feels very soothing and loving to the agitated talker. The person feels so validated by your Reflective Listening, it is often enough to help them get “off the ledge.” Listening is a form of loving each other that soothes, heals and restores us.
Learning Reflective Listening was the bulk of my HELPLINE training, plus there was also a lot to learn about making referrals and gaining trust.
Coming from a culture of chronic interrupters and non-listeners, I had learned some ineffective communication habits over the years, which I continue to strive to improve. The impulse to speak out and interrupt is fierce, but knowing that it compromises relationships and hurts people helps me to zip my lip, as best as I can. For today, I remain a humble work in progress, that’s for sure.
My hope for the future is that the Hotline’s training program is something that will be taught to all humans by the sixth grade. Similar to the skills learned in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT, which should also be part of elementary school education) during training we learned about interpersonal effectiveness, mindfulness, distress tolerance and emotion regulation. These skills give us the foundation for better emotional balance, and allow us to be more present for others’ pain and suffering, as well as our own.
Ask yourself the magical question, “How can I be useful today?”
I understand that a Hotline gig may not be your cup of tea. Volunteering at a soup kitchen, animal shelter, nursing home, botanical garden, museum, Indivisible, MoveOn or anywhere can also be very uplifting during the Red Zone.
Nursing homes always need a river of volunteers to help with feeding, reading, translation services and transporting non-ambulatory residents . I learned this when I was in graduate school, as one of my internships was at the Jewish Home and Hospital for the Aged in the Bronx. I was facilitating several therapy groups each week, but there was a huge volunteer staff that coordinated all these helpful tasks for the residents. I was so impressed with the volunteers’ compassion and zeal to help these nursing home residents.
Yes, there is a time for self care, and then sometimes it is better to focus on others’ needs more than your own, to take a break from the painful ME-ME-ME inner dialogue you might be having.
Transparency is Healing
Finally, being in the Red Zone totally in secret is just exhausting and no fun. Be honest and authentic about your feelings — transparency is healing — and see who matches your energy. You might find a few people who also feel put upon and even hate the holidays — great — these will be your Red Zone buddies and comrades in getting through the muck of the season.
Make it a point, however, to be victorious together, e.g.”let’s stay sober and clean through this nightmare,” or “This too shall pass. How can we be useful today?” or “Let’s go for a hike and get away from the shopping madness.” Complaining is draining, so it’s important to find ways to support each other to rise above the chaos of the season.
Being able to laugh about it, the complete absurdity and paradox of Christmas especially, is so refreshing. Whenever I see huge displays of gifts and glittery objects everywhere tempting us to buy-buy-buy, I chuckle to myself and think “What would Jesus say about all this? Would He be happy with this display?” Yikes.
I’m not judging, nay, nay, I actually love the glittery Hand of G-d in all of this (Wessan, 2012). But you know the commercialization of Christmas becomes excessive and downright irritating at times — so I like to take a step back and think about the real reason for the season…our awesome connectivity, celebrating our Oneness, and the mystery of the Numinous in our lives.
Another reason is the magnitude of working through the bittersweet feelings of existence together and being brave enough to peacefully co-exist in this tumultuous world. We can acknowledge the dialectical paradox, that sometimes we want to live and sometimes we don’t, but we choose life anyway. We need to be courageous during this time, knowing that we are struggling in the Red Zone while “everyone else” seems to be having the best time ever.
In Conclusion
For this holiday season, The Red Zone, I encourage you to try something different:
Experiment with a daily or weekly Mental Laxative experience, or go away on a retreat for more in depth forgiveness work.
Volunteer somewhere that will give you a chance to focus on someone else, take a break from “Poor me, Poor Me, Pour me a drink” thinking.
Give honesty a chance, come clean and tell a few people how you really feel. Defrost some of that hidden grief, rage, loss, loneliness, “Compare and Despair” and all the inner stressful thinking that puts a damper on your days.
I promise if you follow some of these suggestions you will feel lighter, brighter and perhaps, dare I say it, even more peaceful during this relentless Red Zone.
Good health is wealth, go for it!
References
Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills (DBT). This is a four part psychoeducation program that covers Mindfulness, Emotion Regulation, Distress Tolerance and Interpersonal Effectiveness. It takes one year to complete the curriculum.
Turner, K. (2014). Radical Remission: Surviving Cancer Against All Odds. New York: Harper Collins.
Vanzant, I. (2013). Forgiveness: 21 Days to Forgive Everyone for Everything. Carlsbad, CA: Smiley Books.
Blanton-Peale Institute and CounselingCenter, New York, NY, for individual, family and couples counseling. Accepts most insurance. Highly recommended for quality psychospiritual therapy. Founder: the late great Reverend Norman Vincent Peale.
Pumpkin Hollow Retreat Center, Craryville, NY. Owned and operated by the Theosophical Society. Organic vegetarian food served from their own farm, non-dogmatic, beautiful retreat center. Highly recommend, especially the retreats on Therapeutic Touch, and the Silent Retreat.
Since I changed careers in 1999, morphing from science journalist to therapist, I feel as if I have given birth to three clinical children in this journey…
First, I delivered Therapeutic Laughter for Caregivers (and others) in New York City, which emerged as keynotes, workshops and seminars. I still enjoy presenting these programs which also include Team Building with Laughter, the Let Go and Lighten Up program and LaughAnanda (laughter meditation). Each program serves a different sector, for corporate, medical/healthcare, educational, non-profit, and spiritual organizations.
Second, after a long gestational study period, I delivered Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Groups (DBT) two years ago and currently facilitate two DBT groups in my office in Westford, MA, one daytime and evening group.
Third, and brand new as of June 2017, Walk and Talk Therapy (WATT) was born. I am very excited about the progress and results my clients are experiencing during WATT.
Over the past several years, every time I read about exercising with clients, I was more intrigued…yes, there is solid science and empirically verified research on the benefits of WATT.
In brief, the motion of walking stimulates the bicameral brain and increases activity between the left and right hemispheres. This allows people to access more complex feelings and memories, and have the ability to process the sadness, grief or trauma even more effectively while walking. While walking, everything is flowing, and the negative or heavily charged energy from the traumatic memories can discharge quicker. (I’m in the process of writing an article on a few of my clients who have had dramatic shifts and turnarounds on these walks.)
RISK MANAGEMENT
I have my clients sign an Indemnity Agreement prior to the WATT, and we discuss the possible challenges that may occur, such as tripping on a rock, or falling for some reason. For some, this often leads to a lively discussion of their previous adventures and how confident they are in their walking ability. “Walking around a lake? This is nothing, a piece of cake!” they say. For others, the prospect of walking for two miles is daunting, but they understand they can do as much or little of the walk as they want. We have a choice of several benches for resting along the way with stunning views of the lake.
If you are considering WATT, I strongly recommend it. As the Scottish-American naturalist John Muir once said, “In every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks.”
One of my favorite sources for excellent international (and national) news coverage is a magazine called THE WEEK. It is chock full of great executive summaries, plus the editors of THE WEEK have a healthy sense of humor. They express their humor in many ways, such as with their weekly sidebar/column, “Only in America.” They also have a column for “Good week for/Bad week for” which always gives me a good chuckle, again based on fact checked news stories.
My best laughter therapy from THE WEEK often shows up in The Week Contest, when they ask us to help name something, or label something, or describe something useful to help sort out the news.
The most recent Contest was about creating a new diagnosis for dealing with the current political climate…here are the results, for your therapeutic laughter du jour:
Source: THE WEEK, 10/21/16, page 38:
Last week’s question: The American Psychological Association has found that more than half of Americans identify the 2016 presidential election as a significant source of stress in their lives. Please come up with a psychological term that describes the unique feeling of anxiety induced by this race.
RESULTS:
THE WINNER: “Sufferage” Phyllis Klein, New York City
SECOND PLACE: “ADHD (Another day with Hillary and Donald)” Don Walker, Lexington, Mass.
THIRD PLACE: Democrazy Peg O’Neil, Bloomingdale, N.J.
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
“Strep vote” Ken Kellam III, Dallas
“Campains” Valerie Resnick, New York City
“Polliosis” Dorothy L. Delman, New York City
“POTUS parting depression” Robert Koshiyama, San Francisco
“Boast rhetoric stress disorder” Ken Liebman, Williston, Vt.
As sex educator Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright has noted, “While I’ve had some out-of-this-world orgasms, I personally think that a good laugh gives orgasm a run for its money. Nothing is more delicious than losing yourself in a side-splitting, seemingly endless crying with laughter session. It’s no wonder that being drunk with laughter has so many benefits. Laughter boosts your immune system, healing and cleansing your mind, body and soul. It increases the level of endorphins and neurotransmitters that are health-enhancing while lowering the level of stress hormones in your body, like cortisol. Laughter provides fantastic physical and emotional release. It gives your body a good workout, exercising the diaphragm, contracting the abdominals and working up your heart rate. It enhances your mood, drawing you away from any negative emotions, like anger, that are consuming you. In being utterly contagious, laughter also connects us. Hmmm, kind of sounds a lot like orgasm.”
I would never say that laughter could replace sex and orgasms, but there are times when a good full-bodied laugh can certainly help you experience the relief, release and feeling of refreshment you might have from an orgasm, plus it can reboot your nervous system, similar to an orgasm…that is, clear the mind, settle the synapses, relax-reboot and all is well…
I met my first laughter meditation teacher when I lived New York City, his name is Laraaji. Besides facilitating a brilliant laughter meditation class, Laraaji is also a powerful musician and peace activist. Laraaji says “Laughing and orgasming are very similar. For me, ejaculatory orgasm is draining. Instead of coming, its more like leaving. I prefer orgasmic laughter, it nourishes my nervous system, keeps my expressional vehicle loose, and puts me in touch with my feelings. As part of my yogic practice each morning, I have a hearty laughgasm.” Watch Laraaji having a LaughGasm here…
Laraaji facilitates a wonderful two-hour laughter meditation program in NYC…definitely worthwhile if you’re in the city and want to have a mind-blowing laughathon. He’s not big on social media, but he does share his beautiful zither music here.
In my keynote speeches, seminars and consulting work on therapeutic laughter, my audiences often have laughgasms, but I have never labeled them or called them out on it…are we ready? Dare I do it? Should I even consider marketing my work as offering Laughgasms? What do you think?
I am currently seeking healthy, alert and oriented centenarians to be interviewed for “The Super Centenarian Series” in 2011, my new my cable television topic. If you know any centenarians in the greater Boston area, please invite them to contact me.
I am also interested in talking with gerontologists and health care professionals who work with the elderly for the caregiver segments.
Also, if you would like to be part of our studio audience, please join us!
The Lighter Side of Transformation 