I love to share good news…here’s something to tuck away for self soothing and look forward to in 2021.
May this article help you turn your anticipatory anxiety into anticipatory JOY!
Has Israel just found the cure for Covid? – ISRAEL21c
Good health is wealth, go for it💙
09.09.20 – ABC News/The Boston Chronicle, Inside/Outside episode. Finding Peace in the Great Outdoors. I was interviewed by great team from the Boston Chronicle concerning my work with Walk and Talk Therapy. This was part of a longer story about how we are taking our work outside during the pandemic.
Our culture has difficulty sitting still with feelings. There is too often an attempt to keep busy and ignore the discomfort of our negative feelings. It has been my experience that many otherwise healthy people want to bypass their phases of grief and jump into positive thinking, avoiding those dark and mysterious pathways of emotion.
Now we are faced with micro and macro levels of Ambiguous Loss and Grief. Ambiguous Loss is when you lose someone but not all the way. For example, you could lose a loved one to illness, such as Alzheimers Disease, Alcoholism, Cancer, Food Addiction/Anorexia. Your loved one might be lost at sea or on a mountain.
Ambiguous Loss is most painful when you live with someone who is “here but not here.” If your loved one watches multiple hours of Netflix, or video games, and you miss them, you are experiencing Ambiguous Loss. If your loved one is slowly deteriorating from any illness or addiction, and you are watching them slowly disappear, you are experiencing Ambiguous Loss. When you break up a relationship, divorce, move away, you experience Ambiguous Loss, “here but not here.”
Today we have the Ambiguous Loss of our culture and daily routines. By not seeing the people, places and things that make up our life, we develop anticipatory anxiety of what will come next. The anxiety then quickly morphs into Anticipatory Grief.
I defer to Scott Berinato who unpacks our micro and macro Anticipatory Grief so usefully in his recent article in the Harvard Business Review (23 March 2020). Berinato interviews David Kessler, who is one of our leading grief experts, and explores Kessler’s overview of our current pandemic existence. Learn more here: That Discomfort You’re Feeling is Grief.
You may think you are lonely, or exhausted, or anxious. That may be true. But I would agree with Berinato and Kessler in that you probably have unexpressed grief (and rage), which is clogging up your inner world.
It’s exhausting to repress grief and “act as if” you are perfectly fine. Yet we are called upon to buckle up and deal with life on life’s terms, so there is no binary solution here. We are asked to grieve our current losses and future losses PLUS carry on and live our lives. So how is this possible? By scheduling some Grief Work time into your calendar. Allowing time to release and let go will enhance your life as you release the inner pressure. Give yourself permission to unravel a bit.
Tears are the language of grief. Something I frequently suggest to my clients is “Make some time to do your Grief Work. Let it flow out of you.” Most people resist this process and just hope by keeping super busy (or medicated or numbed with screen time) they can bypass the Grief Work. Nay, nay, it must be done. Cry now or cry later, but crying will help release those grief-balls that are jamming you up.
When we begin to honestly defrost our grief with each other and then seek solutions for our dilemmas, we start to feel a little better. I am a fan of the stoic philosophy, but just focusing on solutions and keeping a stiff upper lip all the time is not helpful — something within shuts down and can go numb inside from repressing all that emotion.
Perhaps one of the silver linings from the Corona virus is that now, in this time of profound herd vulnerability, we will be more authentic with ourselves and each other? Simple, but not easy. This is a practice that takes as long as it takes, perhaps lifetimes.
I have come to believe that your vulnerability is your superpower. When you are brave enough to be vulnerable, you release, let go and successfully move on. This is part of the multidimensional journey to wholeness and deep fulfillment💙
References:
Berinato, S. (23 March 2020). Harvard Business Review. That discomfort you are feeling is grief. Retrieved from https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief
Mitchell, S. (1988). Tao Te Ching. New York: Harper Collins.
Wessan, L. (05 JAN 2019). On the “Myth of Closure,” Ambiguous Loss and Complicated Grief. Retrieved from https://mirthmaven.blog/2019/01/05/on-the-myth-of-closure-ambiguous-loss-and-complicated-grief/
Helpful Scriptures for increased bravery and courage for your Grief Work:
Psalms 23, 31, 46, 126
Deuteronomy 31:6
Ecclesiastes 1:18
Proverbs 14:13
Copyright © by Lisa Wessan 2020. All rights reserved.
Instead of feeling trapped inside your home or apartment, what if you started to see this as a temporary retreat? Can you turn this victim consciousness into a victorious consciousness? What if you are being called to live, move and have your being refined in an enclosed space for a few months to evolve to a new level of consciousness?
This appears to be a global retreat. We are all being called to stay home and go within, on many levels. The only real choice we have on this Earth is HOW WE RESPOND OR REACT to stress and crises. Moment by moment…victim or victor? With ease or anxiety? We choose, again and again.
I’m not going to list or catalog all the ways you can go inside…because you are smart, and have been aware of mindfulness techniques, prayer, contemplation, meditation, relaxation techniques, Reiki, yoga and much more. There are many paths up that mountain to deepen your awareness, increase your insight and have more inner peace. I’m just here to remind you of what you already know.
“Lisa, I know nothing about going inside myself. Where should I begin?” When I hear this, I often invite my DBT Skills Students to use my 2-2-2 Method of Transformation.
What is the 2-2-2 Method? The broad brush here is you spend two minutes connecting within, two minutes reading something inspirational and two minutes writing. You can do these in any order. To feel successful and build momentum, set a timer for six minutes each day for your practice. If you stay in the process for six minutes, you’re good, even if you don’t tap each category perfectly. The idea is to set your intention and do the best you can.
Meditation: Spend approximately 2 minutes sitting quietly, doing some kind of paced breathing. During this time, consciously seek to access your inner Wise Mind, Higher Power, Ha Shem, Christ Consciousness, Allah, Great Spirit, Buddha Nature, any label will work that is meaningful to you.
Reading: Spend approximately two minutes reading from a personal growth book, inspirational literature, Scripture, angel cards, your DBT book or whatever devotional or uplifting material you have handy. If you have no inspirational literature, this will be a fun shopping trip for you. Ask around, especially if you know someone who you admire for their mental and spiritual wellness. See what they are reading. Take a risk and read it too.
Writing: Finally, do two minutes of writing (in your journal or DBT worksheet). You can just write what you are observing in your mood. My favorite format for basic brief journaling is to write a fear list, do a quick brain dump and just get it out of your head onto the page. Then make a gratitude list (6-10 items or so). Then make a to do list. Then if there’s still time, freestyle and just let it rip. See what comes out of you.
The 2-2-2 Method gives you a structure – but it is flexible – again, you can do these tasks in any order. If you do this daily practice, this will help you advance and make a big difference over time.
If the timer goes off and you want to do more, that’s fine. But the six minutes a day minimum will be great for building momentum here.
Gentle Note: If you’re too busy to invest six minutes/day on your personal evolution, you are too busy. Dial down your Netflix, YouTube, Videogame and other streaming activities. You are worth it! Just six minutes/day will compound over time and create amazing changes in you and give you a life worth living.
Also, do NOT try to do this perfectly! Allow some wiggle room on the 2-2-2 precision. It’s not exact, although sometimes it can be.
The 2-2-2 Method will give you a satisfying structure to add to your day. Truly, this is such a good time to start a 2-2-2 practice and build from it. Over time, you will see this move to longer sessions, and will feel deeply nurtured and empowered by it.
In closing, I appreciate Lynn Ungar’s approach to this pandemic…
Stay safe and well,
Onward and Upward,
Lisa Wessan
Over the years I have been trained up to always see the pros and cons of each challenge. Not to be in denial of the pain, trauma and suffering — but to see the possibility of hidden value in the challenges. “What if everything that is happening to you is happening for you?” asked Colin Tipping years ago in a lecture in New York. That thought percolated through me for years before I could finally understand what it truly meant, and the freedom and peace of mind that comes from living with this deep level of acceptance.
What are the pros and cons of this Covid-19 challenge we now face? Here are some resources which have helped me sort this out and remain more peaceful and relaxed during this difficult time.
To be transparent as ever, I am feeling the full dialectical nature of this moment: sometimes I feel a deep peace and stillness within, and at the same time I feel the edge of a panic attack creeping up on me. The difference between now and 30 years ago, however, is that I have learned to observe my inner world so much better…so when I sense that edge, I use some breathwork, distress tolerance skills and physical release to shift out of it. (More on those skills in the next Coronavirus post).
Over the next few days, I’m going to unpack some useful tips for coping with this extra level of anxiety we all share from the pandemic. As always, I have been sorting and cycling through my personal tool kit, plus I have found some new and impactful ideas that I will share here too. The best of the best for you, my dear reader…as we trudge this road through the forced Retreat to wellness and bliss.
First, listening to Jack Kornfield and Tim Ferriss discuss ways to re-frame and re-focus during this difficult time gave me more insight and some good practical advice. Kornfield’s 75 years on this Earth have been well spent. As a brief overview, he was a Buddhist Monk in Thailand, then served as co-founder of the Insight Meditation Center in Barre, MA, then became a psychologist. Now he is involved in many educational and activist programs to help bring mindfulness and other useful transformative skills to the public.
Tim Ferriss is one of my favorite teachers. First, I love Ferriss’ passion for extreme wellness. I love his awesome lifestyle hacks and his never ending curiosity about world class performers and the minutia of their morning routines, what they eat for breakfast, favorite books, how they sleep and more. He also has an impressive history of brilliant investing, living with bipolar illness and managing well. Yes, I’m a fan of Ferriss!
You can access this podcast wherever you listen to your podcasts: Listen to #414: Jack Kornfield — How to Find Peace Amidst COVID-19, How to Cultivate Calm in Chaos from The Tim Ferriss Show in Podcasts.
For your consideration, here is my brief summary of this podcast. During this two hour, wide ranging conversation, you will learn:
I hope you enjoy listening to this podcast as much as I did. It really gave me a booster during these troubled times. There is hope! There is a solution…
Stay tuned for my next Coronavirus Retreat Tip…may these tips serve you well!
Onwards and Upwards in good health,
Lisa Wessan
The Lighter Side of Transformation 