The Lighter Side of Transformation

with Lisa Wessan, LICSW

Feb 27

Understanding Toxic Positivity and Grief Management

by Lisa Wessan, LICSW

Katie Couric spoke to a therapist about how she grieved her husband Jay’s death, the dangers of toxic positivity and the benefits of negativity.
— Read this excellent piece katiecouric.com/health/dangers-of-toxic-positivity-benefits-of-negativity

Notes on Toxic Positivity:
🌀Couric’s article reminds me of the importance of doing daily negativity maintenance to release and let go of your unexpressed grief, rage, disgust and other negative feelings. You cannot do a Spiritual or Cognitive By-Pass and remain healthy and well.

🌀Tears are the language of grief, and messy, hard crying jags are on the road to wellness.

🌀 At the same time, you need to learn to practice Grief Etiquette with what you share and with whom. Sometimes it is necessary to set boundaries with people who want to share ongoing, chronic painful issues without solutions. For example, I have one friend who was telling me too much detail about her pimples and boils, the popping and picking stories were wearing me down. After MANY YEARS of listening to her, I just could not listen anymore. I finally got up the courage to tell her “I love you, I care about you, but I don’t want to hear about your skin issues at the granular level. Just tell me the headlines, and new treatments or solutions you are working on, that’s all I can hear.” She was hurt at first, and complained that I “wasn’t being a good friend.” After a few awkward weeks, my friend eventually accepted my boundary and our friendship proved to be sustainable even with my new and improved boundary setting practice.

🌀After reading this article, I will never again say “Everything happens for a reason” (out loud). Mea culpa, mea culpa…

🌀Am I too positive? I have learned the lesson that “what I focus on increases, where the attention goes, energy flows.” So yes, I usually veer towards focusing on the positive – because I want to manifest a better future (but I can also generate intense negativity on a dime!) I’ve learned that “thoughts become things,” so it’s worthwhile to be mindful of your negative thought streams. Yet I do not want to be toxically positive either! Couric taught me to allow more time for friends to dwell on their losses before moving into the solution focused mindset, or not at all. Sometimes people just want to talk.

🌀I have been on the receiving end of toxic positivity too, and I don’t like it. There are loving people in my life who have basically said, “You can’t be having this much trouble, it can’t be that bad. You can do anything!” (whatever the challenge is) This kind of statement – meant to be validating and uplifting – is actually invalidating of my feelings and hurtful. Listening is loving. In the best scenario, it’s good to hear the pain, and then eventually approach solutions. Again, I think the toxic positivity rises when a person insists on forcing solutions too quickly.

🌀The science on this says that complaining is good for releasing the anxiety and tensions. In trauma work, it is commonly accepted that “the issues are in our tissues,” (van der Kolk, 2020), so we need to find ways to release and let go of those issues. If we don’t, that’s when we start somaticizing and develop illnesses from our unexpressed grief and negative thoughts.

🌀 In my dialectical world (DBT), I have learned to embrace the paradox of life being both amazing and harsh. Glennon Doyle said it best, “Life is both beautiful and brutal, it is BRUTIFUL!” (Doyle, 2020) The truth is none of us escape the challenges and plot twists of life. There is a Buddhist proverb that says everyone gets 10,000 Joys and 10,000 Sorrows, no exceptions. Tall, short, thin, fat, rich, poor, we all move through the 10,000 Joys and Oys of life. The key is to embrace the tough phases, using the tools of Radical Acceptance, Self-Compassion. Impermanence and Coping Ahead.

Just for today, I want to challenge you to practice being as authentic as possible, to improve your health and longevity. Start allowing yourself to release and let go of the negative streams of thought, knowing that once you clear it out solutions will arise. Then you can look for the good, be ready for the new insight, idea or fresh suggestions that come your way.

REFERENCES

Untamed, by Glennon Doyle (2020)

Toxic Positivity: Keeping It Real in a World Obsessed with Being Happy, by Whitney Goodman, LMFT (2022)

The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can’t Stop Talking About, by Mel Robbins (2024)

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma,  by Bessel van der Kolk M.D. (2020)



Anxiety depression Distress Tolerance Emotional Regulation grief stress

Leave a comment »
Feb 25

Just for Today, by Sybil F. Partridge

by Lisa Wessan, LICSW

1.  Just for today I will be happy.  This assumes that what Abraham Lincoln said is true, that “most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”  Happiness is from within; it is not a matter of externals.

2.  Just for today I will try to adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires.  I will take my family, my business, and my luck as they come and fit myself to them.

3.  Just for today I will take care of my body.  I will exercise it, care for it, nourish it, not abuse nor neglect it, so that it will be a perfect machine for my bidding.

4.  Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind.  I will learn something useful.  I will not be a mental loafer.  I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

5.  Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways;  I will do somebody a good turn and not get found out.  I will do at least two things I don’t want to do as William James suggests, just for exercise.

6.  Just for today I will be agreeable.  I will look as well as I can, dress as becomingly as possible, talk low, act courteously, be liberal with praise, criticize not at all, nor find fault with anything and not try to regulate nor improve anyone.

7.  Just for today I will try to live through this day only, not to tackle my whole life problem at once.  I can do things for twelve hours that would appall me if I had to keep them up for a lifetime.

8.  Just for today I will have a program.  I will write down what I expect to do every hour.  I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it.  It will eliminate two pests, hurry and indecision.

9.  Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax.  In this half hour sometimes I will think of God, so as to get a little more perspective into my life.

10.  Just for today I will be unafraid, especially I will not be afraid to be happy, to enjoy what is beautiful, to love, and to believe that those I love, love me.

If we want to develop a mental attitude that will bring us peace and happiness, here is Rule #1:

Think and act cheerfully, and you will feel cheerful.

Written by Sybil F. Partridge   1916 and printed in
How To Stop Worrying, And Start Living, by Dale Carnegie, 1951

LW:  I love this credo for living – it covers all areas of life. Yet if you try to do it perfectly you will make yourself miserable. Whenever you set a new intention, or want to develop a positive new habit, or break an old negative habit, start something new, always remember, “Progress not Perfection.” Learn to validate your baby steps, moving forward slowly is good enough! Old ways are tough to change, but it will get done. Slowly, slowly, you can do it. You can do hard things…There is a solution…Never give up.  Yes, aim high, but be always be gentle with yourself. 

This song by Libana, I Will Be Gentle With Myself,  comforts me when I make a mistake, or seem to be delayed in my process.

Just for today, I want to be a WINNER, not a WHINER! Winners take risks, fall down, get up, and start again. May this serve you well 💙

Addictions Anxiety Distress Tolerance Emotional Regulation Interpersonal Effectiveness Mindfulness Resiliency Uncategorized

Leave a comment »
Feb 19

Lisa Wessan receives a Chelmsford Telemedia Award

by Lisa Wessan, LICSW

Just last month, I was surprised by winning this award at a Chelmsford Telemedia dinner event for “Most Credentialed Volunteer” at The Establishment in North Chelmsford, MA. I have a great team there who work hard and smart to produce my podcasts. 


Here’s gratitude galore to my producers, Pete Pedulla (pictured here) and Peter Dews 🩵

Accolades Uncategorized

Leave a comment »
Feb 12

Embracing “Progress not Perfection”

by Lisa Wessan, LICSW

Yesterday I attended a new yoga class at my gym, titled “Breathe, Feel and Flow,” not particularly daunting. Rumor had it that Ravi is a challenging teacher. I found myself feeling excited and curious to see how this class would go. My fear factor was low, because over the years I have become adept at yoga “Modifications.”

For those who are not familiar with yoga practice, a Modification is doing your Plan B for a posture that you can’t do. Plan B can be derivative of the ideal posture, or something completely different. As a recovering perfectionist, many years ago Plan B would feel uncomfortable and even shameful, as my inner self talk would say “Why can’t I do this? What’s wrong with me?” or “If only I weren’t so big, I hate my body!” or “What’s the use, why bother? FORGET YOGA!”

During Ravi’s class, he introduced several different Binds (complicated twists), and then, for a grand finale, a Bird of Paradise! Instead of feeling defeated and ashamed, I started laughing! First, I was grateful I could do at least 80% of the postures. Second, I was delighted to first see that my mindset was so clear – I was not upset to be pushed to this hard edge. Instead I felt inspired! Now I have a new goal. The Bird of Paradise is so beautiful, even sculptural (see photo below). I was elated to think that someday I will gain the mastery to do this position too. I laughed at the absurdity of me thinking I could learn that position and do it the same day. This will probably take months or years of practice.

As Neale Donald Walsch has taught me, “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” Yes, I love being able to embrace being out of my comfort zone and feeling exhilarated vs. sad or ashamed. That is true personal growth. This healthier mindset is also the result of practicing years of dialectical thinking, self-compassion and radical acceptance.

Dialectical thinking upgrade: I can be skillful and a beginner at the same time. I can be excited and also humbled by yoga. I can be super flexible and able to do so much, yet I cannot do it all. Progress not Perfection!

Self-Compassion: I’m doing the best I can. Each day, with practice, I can improve and get better. Look how far you’ve come! Plan B is good enough. I am content with being a good enough yoga student!

Radical Acceptance: My current anatomy and musculature is what it is. I cannot force muscles and bones to move differently. I can’t change Ravi’s class outline, it is what it is. I will embrace the whole class and enjoy the postures that I can do, and make good modifications for those I cannot do.

BONUS! After the class, I was told by several yoga students that my laughter made them feel more accepting of their inability to do these harder positions and just create more meaningful modifications during that time. My laughter also helped them diffuse their discomfort or shame in not being able to do the Bird of Paradise…As it happens, I am a Certified Laughter Yoga instructor, so it was deeply validating and uplifting for me to share a tiny slice of that practice during this yoga class. Learning to embrace the paradoxes and absurdities of your life – rather than be a victim of them — can be so relaxing and freeing.

This is part of my clinical practice as well, although I don’t formally set up therapeutic laughter sessions for individual work, it just happens organically in the moment. (Laughter Therapy programs and groups are planned ahead and are available upon request.)

For this week, see how you can participate in life by going out of your comfort zone in some way. Yes, living on that razor’s edge between fear and excitement is where the thrills of life will delight and amaze you, and give you a life worth living!

#DBT, #PTSD, #EmotionRegulation #DistressTolerance, #Wellness #Recovery #Peak, #Mindfulness Laughter Therapy Mindfulness

Leave a comment »
Jan 29

A year has passed, remembering Gary S. Malkin

by Lisa Wessan, LICSW

Around this time last year, my husband, Gary S. Malkin, passed away on January 19, 2025. Over the past month, I’ve been having flashbacks to his final months—first in the hospital, then in hospice care. On top of that, complications with my in-laws added to the emotional strain. When I think back to December 2024 through January 2025, it’s all a blur of grief, phone calls with lawyers, and tense arguments with the staff at his long-term care facility.

This past year I have continued to cycle through grief, gratitude and relief. I miss the healthy, loving, adorable, brilliant, talented man I met 22 years ago. I am grateful for the good years we shared. I am relieved that he is no longer suffering in severe daily pain. Now I am in the process of sorting through his things.

The first batch of decluttering work was in his closet. It took me several months to give away his clothes. Some of his shirts reminded me of exotic dinners in far away places, or special events we attended. Gary loved Winnie the Pooh. He had several whimsical Pooh and Tigger shirts. I loved these shirts on him. These were loaded with memories. For each shirt, I needed to pause, process the memories, feel the feelings and move on. Sometimes I cried, sometimes I laughed. This was complicated, harsh and exhausting at times. I finally gave away those shirts too, for they were too triggering of sad emotions.

After Gary’s clothes, I started working on the basement. While I was down there recently, I came across a stack of Gary’s framed diplomas and patents. It took my breath away. He was an accomplished computer scientist, software engineer, senior architect of elegant and amazing code. I held each of his diplomas in my hand, thinking about the years he spent studying and learning his craft.

Then I took a close look at his patents. I knew that he had patents, but I had never seen these plaques.

What am I going to do with these diplomas and patents? I’m not going to save them. They are not relevant anymore. So I’m digitally documenting them here. This is what we do now to reduce the clutter. Take a picture. Release and let go. Move on.

Some of my loved ones keep asking, “When are you going to sell the house? Have you called a realtor yet?” I tell them, “I’m doing the best I can. I’m not ready to call a realtor.” I know they mean well and want me to be happy, but I can feel their concern and a hint of judgment, as if I should be moving faster. I’m processing my grief at my own pace—I just can’t speed it up. When I start thinking I “should” be better, “should” be decluttering faster, or “should” be having more fun, I end up feeling worse. It’s a slippery slope in the Land of Should.

According to grief expert Megan Devine, I’m exactly where I need to be. In her beautiful book, It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand, she shares her personal journey of grieving the loss of her 42-year-old husband, who drowned in a river accident, blending her story with clinical insights and research. It’s incredibly helpful, full of tips, techniques, and methods for easing the pain of loss. Today, it stands as my favorite book on grief, especially for the way she teaches the art of setting boundaries with well-meaning people who ask re-traumatizing questions.

Thanks to Devine, when someone asks me “When are you moving?” I just smile and say “Eventually I will move. No worries.” If they persist, or tell me I should do XYZ, I have a few tools to set a boundary and detour the conversation to another topic, without guilt or shame. Yes, there is no shame in my game anymore. Please don’t tell me how I should feel, how to hurry things along, or what’s wrong with my grieving process. Nay, nay —“I’m okay with not being okay.” Embracing radical acceptance has helped me stay more at peace—though sometimes still frustrated—as I move through this house, parting with all of Gary’s belongings.

Even though my marriage was complicated, there was a lot of love there. As Queen Elizabeth II said after she lost her beloved Philip, “Grief is the price we pay for love.” There is no escape. Every day I feel the love, the grief, and the bewilderment of “What happened to Gary?” I keep letting it go, giving it to Spirit, trusting the truth will eventually be revealed to me.

Today, I’m learning to accept the impermanence of life instead of resenting it. In the past three years, I’ve lost my beloved younger sister, my husband, two cats, and a very special 55-year-old yoga teacher. Every day, when I return to my home, I say “Hi Gary, Hi Q-Tip, Hi Yum Yum, I miss you all💙” When I say this, I smile, seeing sweet memories of my kitties running up to greet me at the door, seeing my husband sitting in the living room or making dinner in the kitchen. Now it’s an empty house, but I still feel the love from these ghosts in my memory. As it is written “Love never fails.”

References

Devine, M. (2017). It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand.
St. Martin’s Essentials.

Obituary for Gary S. Malkin

grief Uncategorized

1 Comment »
Jan 21

There is no bad weather, just bad clothing. – Nordic Proverb

by Lisa Wessan, LICSW

Fun fact: walking in cold weather gives you a boost of oxygen. The low temperatures compress the oxygen, so each breath delivers more. That’s what makes it so refreshing and gives your brain an extra kick. I love the freedom of enjoying the elements, as long as I’m dressed for it!

Gear includes warm hat, neckwear, gloves and on my boots the MicroSpikes are fabulous for walking, running or hiking on ice.

Lisa Wessan and Kim Vespucci, Freeman Lake, North Chelmsford, MA

There’s solid science behind the benefits of getting morning light in your eyes. (Panda, 2021). Natural sunlight early in the day helps set your body’s internal clock (circadian rhythm), boosting alertness, lifting your mood by increasing serotonin, sharpening focus, balancing sleep hormones like melatonin and cortisol, boosting energy, supporting metabolism, and strengthening your immune system—setting you up for a healthy, energized day and a restful night.

Hitting the gym for weight lifting, yoga, cardio, and all the other benefits is essential—but don’t forget to soak up some natural light in your eyes too; it’s a total game changer.

Good health is wealth, go for it💕

With warm blessings✨

Lisa

Reference:
Panda, S. (2021). The Circadian Code: Lose Weight, Supercharge Your Energy, and Transform Your Health from Morning to Midnight. Highbridge Audio and Blackstone Publishing.

Anxiety depression Longevity Walk and Talk Therapy

Leave a comment »
Jan 4

What is the 4-week rolling enrollment period for Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills training?

by Lisa Wessan, LICSW

Dr. Marsha Linehan, founder of the DBT psychoeducation curriculum, understood that some people might miss trimester deadlines to start at the beginning of each semester. In classic non-binary, non-dualistic DBT fashion, it’s possible to be both late and on time at the same moment—what does that really mean?

Three times a year, several weeks before and during the Mindfulness Module, new students can join the ongoing DBT group to start at beginning of the next cycle.

Here are a few of the main topics for the Mindfulness Module:

Good, better, best enrollment process?

Best is registering early, completing the intake session and forms in advance, and starting on Day 1.

Better is waiting until the last few weeks, the crunch time—and just managing to finish in time.

Good is joining after the class has begun, missing a week or two, but still getting involved. Continuing and then thriving thereafter. (When this happens, the new student pays a pro-rated fee for the group reflecting the missed sessions.)

If you or someone you know has been wanting to join this group but keeps missing the deadlines, there’s still a chance! The final cut-off for this semester is January 27. Once we finish the Mindfulness Module and begin the Interpersonal Effectiveness material, no new members will be able to join.

There are reasons behind all of this, and this is just the briefest summary! Ideally, all DBT students would register weeks before the class begins, making the experience much more relaxing for everyone involved.

If you or someone you know could benefit from this solution-focused, science-backed, and proven personal growth program, don’t wait to get started. My next Tuesday evening group meets from January 6 – April 7, 2026. You can learn more here: https://www.lisawessan.com/dialectical-behavioral-therapy

Onward and Upward✨

Lisa Wessan

#DBT, #PTSD, #EmotionRegulation #DistressTolerance, #Wellness #Recovery #Peak, #Mindfulness Anxiety Distress Tolerance Emotional Regulation Interpersonal Effectiveness Mindfulness Social Anxiety

Leave a comment »
Dec 29

David Pogue brings uplifting news from 2025 on Sunny Side Up segment

by Lisa Wessan, LICSW

David Pogue ranks among my favorite journalists and polymaths. I first encountered his writing during his tenure as The New York Times’ weekly tech columnist from 2000 to 2013. He offered invaluable insights into email, technology, security, and much more. Since then, Pogue has enjoyed a vibrant and accomplished career, earning numerous accolades—including a Loeb Award for journalism, two Webby Awards, an honorary doctorate in music, and an Emmy for his exceptional work on CBS Sunday Morning.  

Since I started reading him on the New York Times, I have been recording the CBS Sunday Morning show to catch his segments. Here’s a recent clip from his 2025 good news review, which is a refreshing break from negative headlines. One highlight: a Boston based company can now make fully biodegradable plastics, reducing harmful plastic particles in our bodies. Watch here for more uplifting information:

It’s hard to avoid the tough headlines, but it’s important to balance them out with uplifting and inspiring news as well!

Good health is wealth, GO FOR IT!

With warm blessings✨

Lisa

Gratitude Inspiration Uncategorized

Leave a comment »
Oct 22

“Action is the antidote to despair.” – Joan Baez

by Lisa Wessan, LICSW

I attended my first No Kings Rally in Nashua, NH this past weekend, 10/18/25.

I went way out of my comfort zone to be there.

My concerns:
1. The noise, people screaming. Megaphones. I have high acuity hearing – “Dog Ears” – so loud sounds hurt. 2. The Covid Factor. 3. Heavy urban traffic, congestion, parking.

I’m grateful to report that this was a peaceful and not too noisy rally. Parking was easy. As of this writing, I’m Covid free. So all my fears were allayed.

I was most deeply affected listening to the WW II veterans. They drew astute parallels to the fascism of other countries and their WW II battle fatigue. They experienced so much loss and grief to fight for our freedom and democracy. And now, POOF! Our freedoms are eroding away daily.

There were also some beautiful art works created with such loving messages. These were my favorites:

I learned so much from being at the Rally. I realized that I need to step up once again and become more active with the resistance.

Before my sweet younger sister and husband got sick, I used to attend the INDIVISIBLE meetings in my town. Due to both the pandemic and my increasing caregiver burnout I chose to take a pause on my participation there.

Now that my sister and husband are resting in peace, I am 80% recovered from those chronic medical traumas. I believe I can be more useful and helpful again.

Another action tool that is part of the “Antidote for despair” is using the 5 Calls App. This is an excellent tool to be effective and also lower your blood pressure and cortisol levels quickly! I’ve shared about it before, Reduce anxiety: use the 5 Calls App

However you choose to express yourself, please remember, “There are no victims, only volunteers!” If you decide to do nothing, that is not nothing. Your tacit approval is built into doing “nothing.”

Gentle suggestion….take one tiny action per week to put forward your beliefs and reduce your anxiety. Action is the magic word!

Onward and Upward✨

Lisa Wessan

Anxiety Peace Political Transformation Social Justice

Leave a comment »
Oct 13

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) has been used by Lady Gaga – watch the video here

by Lisa Wessan, LICSW

 

DBT is evidence-based; over 80% of 10,000 participants showed significant improvement after practicing these skills (Linehan, 2016). Many, including Lady Gaga, have since benefited from DBT.

Lady Gaga credits DBT for helping her manage trauma, PTSD, and self-harm urges. She uses skills like Radical Acceptance and TIPP (Temperature, Intense Exercise, Paced Breathing, Progressive Muscle Relaxation) to handle emotions and reduce symptoms. Her advocacy of DBT Skills training has highlighted the value of mental health care.

Hear how DBT transformed Lady Gaga’s life:

You can learn DBT skills too! This is not an exclusive training just for celebrities…

FEES: $100/week for 90-minute session,
14 weeks x $100 = $1400  – no insurance (except PPOs)
(plus one Intake Session prior to group start)

For more information, FAQ, fees, calendar, Zoom classroom and to set up a DBT inquiry phonecall (free), please visit
 Dialectical Behavioral Therapy | Lisa Wessan

DBT Overview:

What is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and how can this program
enhance your life? 

One Year Program Includes:

1. DBT Core Mindfulness [focusing skills]

2. Distress Tolerance [crisis survival skills]

3. Emotion Regulation [de‐escalation skills]

4. Interpersonal Effectiveness [‘people skills’]

🌀🌀This trimester starting January 6 – April 7, 2026 –  we are focusing on Mindfulness and Interpersonal Effectiveness skills.

Interpersonal Effectiveness helps you communicate better, set boundaries, validate yourself and others, confidently ask for what you need, seek support, and end unhealthy relationships. Each class covers DBT skills, practice, role play, and guided meditation.

Good health is wealth, go for it! 

Onward and Upward✨

Lisa Wessan

www.lisawessan.com

#DBT, #PTSD, #EmotionRegulation #DistressTolerance, #Wellness #Recovery #Peak, #Mindfulness Addictions

Leave a comment »
«Older Entries
Blog at WordPress.com.